The mighty Phwoars made the long pilgrimage to Scarbados for a 10:30 push back the day after Paddy’s Day.
The game began with when a heavily intoxicated Beale must have breathed on the Scarbrough keeper who decided to volley a scuffed Damian Greig top spin dribble into the top corner. 1 became 4 quickly with Ellis (the better and more liked one) dribbling through the defence and slotting in from a ridiculous angle (still gets fined). Eager to hang on to his lead as the clubs top scorer Damian back sticked another couple to complete a first half hat trick. The phwoars played well throughout the first half moving the ball well on a slick surface and could have had more but unfortunately the roaring Matty Brayshaw did all he could to not join the scoring party.

The second half went largely the same as the first with the phwoars continuing to press and some more well worked goals followed. A particularly slick short corner move allowed Joe ‘my abbs are better than yours’ Phelps to slot in at the back post. Somewhat surprisingly Brayshaw managed to convert a back post volley which was the more difficult of the 10 + other chances he missed.

The highlight of the second half was Damian running through the entire defence before slipping on his arse much to the delight of his colleagues, spectators and the Scarborough defenece.

Scarborough scored past a consolation goal past the impressive Whytock in the Adel as the phwoars ran out comfortable 8-1 winners. MOM Whytock – DOD Tom the snake Beale (£10 fine following his loan spell to the threes)

Led by the evergreen pairing of Bob Sibley and Nick Crocker the phwoars got changed into some rather questionable Hawaiian attire and began their attack on the Scarbados pubs, clubs and takeaway shops.

Most of what went on in the next 16 hours of drinking has been ruled unpublishable by the captain. But some key moments and learning points before the end of the season would be:

·         12 + hours of relentless singing and clapping leaves serious bruising to hands and vocal chords
·         It pays to be nice to the opposition – especially when he is a policeman who may end up arresting you later in the evening! [note from the captain: he didn’t arrest anyone and we did not give him cause to!]
·         Alex Hockin is a hero – he did make it back to where he was meant to sleep and didn’t lose his keys
·         Phelps is the star of Grease Live
·         Damian and Whytock are dance off champions
·         Damian injured his hamstring
·         Craig was largely anonymous but has the whole night on film
·         Ross arrived late – left early more effort needed
·         Harry Ellis is a kind and charitable lover of the aged
·         Luke never skips leg day – 100 + slut drops
·         Captain Sam is a fine leader of men on and off the pitch and led the early evacuation of a night club well [captain’s edit: I feel at my own expense I should point here that I ‘led the early evacuation of a night club’ because I was deemed too sleepy to remain inside, not because we were in anyway poor ambassadors for the club]

And finally

NEVER SELF BONKER!!

Match report by Tom Beale

[Captain’s edit: this unfortunately proved to be our last competitive fixture for the year, but it did ensure we finished as the only undefeated team in Yorkshire Men’s Hockey, and was a fitting celebratory evening for what has been a great season!]


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