T’was a spicy affair

T’was a spicy affair, not too hot to handle, just the right amount of spice to be thoroughly enjoyed by the 2s. Claims of “that hit the spot” and “just what we needed” were heard. Indeed it was, and for the few old pros in the 2s there was a certain delicacy to be enjoyed if you know how to sift through the layers and pick up each individual nuance. In relative terms some claimed it would be about a 12a, for some a 15 and for others a pg but enough about shams curry we had post match, on to the real competitive action. After a tense and nervous affair that could have gone any which way it came down to a ‘donut off’ between Rich, Crocker, Tim and Phil, slowest to finish a donut would lose to be dick of the day, Crocker rammed it all in and then tried to deal with it which proved unwise, Tim went at it like a man and Rich a gentleman but Phil hit turbo and gave the desired mouth open, all gone, “aren’t i good mum” to finish first ,after much hilarity and suspense Rich lost and was the DoD!

On to the game, still smarting after last week’s underwhelming performance and determined to right wrongs we lined up, back to everyone’s favourite set up, 3-2-3-2 but with the skippers brutal benching of Jackson for Tom “what Tom from the 3s? SERIOUSLY?” Beale keeping everyone focused and on their toes.

It paid off and we smashed ’em 9-0, we played some great hockey, absolutely grafted for each other, bigged each other up, missed possibly more than we scored – the away keeper played pretty well and we were tighter than a mouse’s chuff at the back. It all seems a bit distant if I’m honest as we probably only spent a maximum of 10% of the game in our half thanks to Tom, Wadey, Crocker and Kieran, screened admirably by sham and rich (1), suffocating their forward attempts allowing Miles (4) Phil (2) captain Holford (0 goals but MOM much to the consternation of a free scoring FOURward who’ll remain nameless), Tim (1 from right wing no less) Sam (1) and Beale to run riot, the oppo weren’t brilliant but we worked as a unit to totally nullify them and then really make use of the ball in a complete 180 to last weeks showing pleasing all of us

Stand out moments

– our 3rd goal, long angled v pass from left back into midfield onto Jackson who performed the J-run of J-runs on the left from the halfway line right round the back to set up a fairly simple slot home -champagne hockey that’s worthy of a £290 wand

– use of 3-2-3-2 I know it seems anathema to a keeper and we maybe can’t deploy it every week but I love it, the least defenders we can get away with and attack attack attack

– Miles going full length at the back post to try get his 5th goal off a Wadey rocket ball with not long to go left on the clock , love the commitment

– negligible warm up gripes this week and no injuries, has the balance between age, fitness, ability and general level of being arsed finally been struck?

– a clean sheet, is the ADU (you know who you are) albeit a new possibly improved version, back in business? I only had 1 save and a kick away so £4 match fees per touch seems steep but it costs in more ways than one to be part of the legendary ADU apparently. Some one said something about a tattoo next week??

– Holfords man of the match performance – not on the score sheet this time round but a proper captains performance, sttrrummmrrr you have a big job to follow when Tesco next let you out

– Beale not falling over, he does it quite a bit

– Partner getting DoD despite bossing the midfield and scoring because he couldn’t eat a donut faster than 3 men twice his size

– Wadeys one handed reverse smash clearance sweeping the pads which I think set up a goal – tekkers!

– the continuation of Toms post marriage form, thank s Mary, we don’t know who gave Tom this new found ability as a wedding present but please thank them on behalf of the 2s he’s been immense

– the return of Herbert the iceman

– shams curry, awesome thanks mate

There were some low lights such as chances missed, Tom’s AWOL trainer? Sham’s pinpoint pass to the umpire, we attempted no D to D aerials, we lacked an angry southerner and a gammy handed hobo with a £5k fox, Jackson’s brutal blow by blow recounting of stories from his week of midwifery, look in his eyes, it has genuinely changed him, right through to Phil’s reverse shot from the top of the D ,when he had acres and acres to turn, get it strong, tee it up, check for wind interference, tie his shoe etc and which only just clipped the top of the fence- that really high bit too!

But all in all we won 9-0, Palace beat Chelsea (that’s £5 in the fines pot please Phil!) We had a good banter, good food, tolerable company and go to bed with that smell of victory curry in our nostrils happy in the knowledge we are learning last weeks lesson but with a steely determination to be better again next week away at Halifax.

p.s I found Tom’s shoe the following day exactly how it is in the picture above.

Sheepscar’s most dangerous vs. Adel Men’s useless team

Despite captain Holford’s pregame rally cry for war on whatsapp, the Men’s 2nd team turned up in nothing other than lacklustre fashion. The day started off with some pre-match tactics in the changing room, focusing on keeping our game simple and passing the ball around the ageing population of Ramgharia.

The usual warm-up from Sam drew moans and despair from the travelling team, leaving some of the ‘less fit’ of the team struggling for air – I do agree Sam; it would be positive for the 2s to work on their fitness.

The game started with nothing short of absolutely no energy from both teams. Within 3 minutes we lost the wise legs of Giles Primmer to a gruesome hamstring injury. To then lose ‘Strommer’ 2 minutes later, to the weakest of yellow cards was a less than ideal start.

Some distinctly average hockey from both sides and some very slow play from Ramgharia led to possibly the dullest first half I have ever partaken in. Safe to say the idea of playing ‘simple hockey’ had not yet sunk in. The highlight being their 60-year-old ‘winger’ managing to keep the ball in our corner for upwards of 5 minutes.

The second half thankfully brought a slightly more open game, allowing our midfield and forwards chance to carry the ball into the opposition half with ease, but that’s about as far as it got.

The best outlet for the opposition was some frankly embarrassing frying pan aerial/squarial attempts. These aerials soon became lifted hits, thankfully nobody was hurt, as the bloke sending them had absolutely no clue where anything was going. It took till about 20 minutes to go for the simple hockey to kick in and some surprisingly good but simple work from Jackson fed ‘Strommer’ through, who drew a defender and gave a pass across goal for Miles to guide the ball into the bottom corner. 0-1 to Adel.

Frankly from this point on it was downhill. New arrival Luke managed to get himself a 2-minute rest in the sin bin for lifting his stick too high, whilst the rest of the traveling side lacked any basic skills or intelligence, making numerous simple mistakes and failing to play simple 5 metre passes. Safe to say it was a far from enjoyable experience.

Ramgharia managed to score a goal, with special thanks to our back line for playing their forward in with a through ball.

The opposition was then awarded a pretty average flick for obstruction; with 3 minutes to go we could do nothing to change the outcome. Safe to say 2-1 Ramgharia was probably a fair score, given the abysmal lack of ability portrayed by the travelling Men’s 2nd team.

In conclusion, things to work on:

  1. If everyone could get to training and work on passing the ball 5 metres that would be grand.
  2. Get Giles a new hamstring.
  3. Using the 3 acres of space on the left hand side of the pitch may have been beneficial.
  4. Boag needs to stop avoiding hockey just because he owns a fox.
  5. Stroomer (a.k.a Strommer) – don’t miss the fines pot with a fiver. Speechless.
  6. Don’t rely on Sam for a tap in.
  7. Below are Sam’s SMART targets for adapting his warm up regimen.
  8. Everyone be better – cos that was poor.

Warm-up – Sam got no eyes Jackson

I have received several pieces of feedback regarding the warm ups I lead for the Men’s 2s. Here is a brief overview of the comments I have received and how I plan to implement or ignore them going forward.

Some of the comments I have received are too graphic for a family club, but it basically comes down to this:

  1. The warm ups are too long
  2. The warm ups are too short
  3. The warm ups do not start with stretching
  4. The warm ups start with too much running

(Specific) – Decrease the amount of running in the pre-game warm up by 2 minutes.

M (Measurable) – Reduce the amount from 7 minutes to 5.

A (Achievable) – I am confident that I can tell the time.

R (Realistic) – I believe the team can run for 5 minutes without dying.

T (Time-bound) – Next warm up routine.

Thank you to Miles for the opportunity to write a section of this match report*.

*Disclaimer – This is not part of the match report, you will still get  £1 fine next week for not having written a match report*.

Adel 2s v Hallam 5s


It is only appropriate to open with some wise words from Sham Ahmed ‘No matter your age and experience in life, the humble training cone can still cause you problems’.

The Adel boys arrived at the fortress with some new faces in their ranks:

    • Luke Meaton – A handy right back from London who loves big fines and has a healthy interest in social drinking.
    • Chris Wade – Another fine poach from Boston Spa, greatly enhancing the Adel back line.
    • Jackson’s new stick – Grays KN1100 RRP £349.99 and to quote the website ‘the traditional Jumbow blade profile is ideal for drag flicking and 3D skills’. I think we’re all looking forward to those.
    • Boag and his fox – £10,000 worth of ‘Japanese hunting wolf’ (Boag’s words…)

Jackson led the Adel boys on one of his traditionally lengthy warm-ups, challenging the teams resolve and fitness. Highlights include jogging round the various meadows that apparently surround the pitch and some useful stretches for the neck ensuring we were match ready – good work Jackson!

The game started with Adel displaying a glittering forward line-up of Stroomer, Bayford and Miles who set about some early pressure on our guests from Hallam. This was reinforced by a midfield that beautifully combined fitness and experience with Partner, Holford & Taylor linking up well. Further pressure from Adel was applied and the deadlock was broken with a tidy drag flick from Stroomer into the bottom corner. Some solid work at the back by Wade and Crocker kept Hallam out, with Luke and Tibsy always available for the transfer, nullifying any threat Hallam possessed. Adel continued to dominate the match which presented Miles with one of his classic poaching opportunities, no mistakes made, 2-0 Adel.

Half time came around with some wise words from Captain Holford and Sham also providing some useful comments, no mention of dangerous cones tho… The second half resumed with Adel largely on top, moving the ball around quickly, playing some good hockey. This led to another goal from Bayford who deflected a nice, yet very rare, strike from Miles in to the goal, 3-0 Adel. Further shorts were won by Adel with Stroomer stepping up to score his second of the game, demonstrating his versatility by opting not to drag and instead producing a delightful scuffed shot into the bottom corner, 4-0 Adel. Hallam then decided to show a little fight in the second half resulting in the ADL (Adel Defence League) giving away their clean sheet – those boys love their fines! New boy Luke also decided to throw his stick on the floor in protest at a short corner decision, somehow staying on the field. The final gloss was added by Bayford who finished nicely at the back post from a short corner routine, 5-1 final score.

MoM – Stroomer for his 2 goal contribution and great all round attacking play.

DoD – Crocker for producing some absolute filth in the tackle resulting in a (his first ever) green card.

The Adel boys then headed to the bar for a circa £60 fines circle and Sam Jackson negotiating the best bar deal in the history of bar deals…(5 Jugs of cider black, 5 jugs of snakebite, 20 Bulmers original & 24 WKD’s). The men’s 1’s, 3’s & 4’s joined and a great night was had by all. I think the poor student was still a tad short at the end of the night, so if anyone would like to contribute to his tab, let him know.